


You are my church

by Susifer



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:02:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27383884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Susifer/pseuds/Susifer
Summary: What happened after 9x03? What happened after April almost managed to kill Castiel?This OS takes place right after those events**Cas stood up from the bed with teary eyes and started to walk towards Dean with a slow pace.“Your love isn’t invisible like his, yours shows in a thousand of different ways. When I fall down I do not have to stand up alone anymore, because your hand is always there to put me right back on my feet. I am human and still I feel the need to fall on my knees and pray to you, because you are my church and my faith. You are all that and it scares me to death.”**
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	You are my church

When Dean entered his room it was almost midnight and he was exhausted.

It seemed like he had been running all over America to find Castiel. It also felt like he had been holding his breath all day while they were questioning all those people he left behind on his trail. And then, when it looked like they’d found him…

Dean took another sip of the beer he brought in his room, hoping it could ease him to sleep.

The memory of Cas slumped lifeless on that chair was way too much to handle. The sense of loss and the deep black hole which seemed ready to swallow him whole, it was something he would never be able to forget.

When he saw Ezekiel jumping in, trying to heal Cas back to life, the seconds became lifetimes. He was well aware that he was standing right behind him, mouthing “Come on, come on, come on” praying to whoever was left to pray. Then, when Sam fell on the floor after Ezekiel’s (lucky) interference, Dean was already on his way to him, but then that familiar voice and the unique way it was able to give life to his name.

“Dean?”

In the silence of his room, Dean swore he could still hear Cas calling him in the back of his mind. The first word after he was brought back to goddamn life was his name.

_“Dean?”_

The relief that filled his chest right after that, it was nothing he ever experienced before. Cas was there, looking at him, breathing, talking. He was there, he was alive.

It was more than relief, it felt like joy.

Did it show? Did Sam see that? Did Cas see that?

He toughened it up immediately, pointing his finger at Cas to sternly warn him: “Never do that again!”

Never leave again.

Never go missing again.

Never die on me like that again.

Never even try.

But Cas’ eyes looked at him, so lost and confused by what just happened. “Alright” he replied sheepishly and Dean tried to move on, tried to exhale but it was still hard to do that. The loss he experienced, even if it was for few seconds, even if it was all okay now, didn’t seem to want to let go of him. Or maybe it was Ezekiel giving him the ultimatum “Either he stayed or Castiel”. That son of a bitch knew he had some leverage on him because of Sam.

Luckily though, he managed to convince him to let Cas rest, to let him stay at least for the night. But what after that? Where would Cas go? And how could Dean make sure he would be okay? That he would be safe?

Oh, fuck that. Fuck all that.

Dean thought of getting in the shower to try and relax a little but it seemed too much fuss and he could not even be bothered to properly undress. He left the now empty bottle of beer on the desk and got rid of his shoes before climbing onto his bed.

He pulled the sheets up to his chin. Waiting. Hoping to fall asleep.

It had to be in the middle of the night and he wasn’t sure if he was dreaming when he felt the bed sinking under somebody else’s weight, nor when a body slipped under the sheets and next to him. Still drowsy he turned around, eyes blinking in the dark, trying to focus.

“Dean?”

_Fuck_.

Dean jumped on the bed and switched on the lamp on the bedside table, sitting straight up.

“Cas, what the hell?!”

Cas was really there, under the sheets and he was looking at him with his usual frown. He pulled himself up, too.

“What the hell?!” he repeated. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Cas didn’t even blink, like what he did was totally normal, like it was acceptable to slip under the covers of other people’s bed in the middle of the night.

“I didn’t feel like sleeping alone.”

“Well, this is not a good enough reason”

“Why? Don’t you want me here?”

Dean’s heart skipped a beat.

“Wha-What did you just say?”

“I said…”

“I heard you.”

“Then why…?”

“What makes you think I’d want you here?”

“Are you seriously asking me that?”

Could it be possible that Cas knew? Could it be possible that all that time Dean was trying to fake it, Cas knew all along?

“Okay that’s enough” said Dean, standing up. “I’m not that April chick who threw herself all over you.”

“You are not” agreed Cas, getting up.

“You had enough human experiences for the week” scoffed Dean, pacing in the room. “If not for the whole month.”

“You sound jealous, Dean.”

Caught by surprise, Dean was momentarily speechless.

“I’m not… Why…”

“Stop lying to me, Dean” said Cas, walking towards him.

He needed to stop, he thought. He needed to stop repeating his name like that, like it was an invitation to something he only ever dreamed of.

“I may not be an angel now, but I was an angel before and I was an omniscient being. Maybe I didn’t know what the longing in your voice was when you used to pray to me, maybe I was so naïve to misunderstand the look in your eyes but I could _feel_ you.”

As Cas was walking towards him, Dean started to step back, like he wanted to run away. His heart was now racing like a galloping horse, he had goosebumps. Was that conversation really happening?

“I felt it when you hugged me in Purgatory and I felt it when we got the angel tablet.”

“What are you talking about?” he muttered.

“You know, it’s funny. The day we got the tablet… I almost killed you. I was not myself but when I got back and I laid my hands on you to heal you, what I felt was unmistakable. I almost beat you to death, almost killed you and still, every single ounce of you was feeling… love.”

Cas was now right in front of Dean, who was staring at him in total dismay, unsure on what to do and what to say. Among all the things he could imagine would happen that night, this was the last of them. Actually it wasn’t even in the list!

All that play pretending, all the lies he had to say to throw people off. All that and he still failed.

Dean dodged Cas and ran to close the door of the room; God forbid Sam or Kevin would pass by and eavesdrop that conversation!

He closed the door and locked it, too, to be extra sure. Dean looked back at Cas, who seemed so calm and relaxed while he was as tense as a bowstring: that upset him.

“Why now? Is it because you liked what that April showed you last night?” he asked.

“This is not about her, Dean. I’m sorry I slept with her; I was a fool. But she is not the reason I am here. If nothing happened with her, I would still be here now, standing in front of you.”

“Then why?” insisted Dean.

“Because I am human now.” Cas took a deep breath and a step forward to sit on the bed. “As an angel I could feel human emotions but not fully understand them. I do understand them now. Today when I thought I was dead and then I woke up and saw you, I felt the same ache you were feeling when I was beating you up and then came back to senses. I saw you and everything was alright again. This scares me, Dean.”

Their eyes met and Dean saw some sort of desperation in Cas’, like he was trying to understand something very difficult or like he was fighting against something.

“I know that you think yourself unworthy of happiness and you are filled with self-loathe. I know all these traumas of the past have scarred you to an extent you think you will never be whole again. But I am scared because I see how worthy you are and righteous and simply beautiful. I see all that and I feel blasphemous because sometimes I think…”

He paused and Dean wanted to say something, beg him to continue but he was simply out of breath. Castiel looked down and then right up, locked eyes with him then whispered.

“Sometimes I think I might love you more than I love my Father.”

Cas stood up from the bed with teary eyes and started to walk towards Dean with a slow pace.

“Your love isn’t invisible like his, yours shows in a thousand of different ways. When I fall down I do not have to stand up alone anymore, because your hand is always there to put me right back on my feet. I am human and still I feel the need to fall on my knees and pray to you, because you are my church and my faith. You are all that and it scares me to death.”

Dean was standing still like a statue, his eyes probably showed how surprised he was and how this conversation caught him off guard. He looked Castiel in the eyes, so sincere, so pure. His eyes, which could see Dean as something good and not as something broken. In that moment Dean remembered the first time Castiel revealed himself to him.

_“Why would an angel rescue me from hell?”_

_“Good things do happen, Dean”_

_But Dean was just out of hell and to believe in good things is really hard when you’ve seen the worst of the worst._

_“Not in my experience.”_

_Then Castiel’s eyes gazed into his own, like they could see right through Dean’s soul. Instead of backing down, he replied to him and his words stung him like a sword through his chest._

_“What’s the matter? You don’t think you deserve to be saved?”_

Many times Dean wondered if Castiel could see how broken he was, how dirty his conscience and his soul were. If he could, he never mentioned it anyway.

“Dean?”

Dean snapped back to the reality, Cas was just few inches away from him. He was just few inches away and he just told him he loved him and that he was worthy.

_“Good things do happen, Dean”_

He loved _him_. He had the love of an angel.

_“What’s the matter? You don’t think you deserve to be saved?”_

He said he loved him and that he was worthy.

Dean’s eyes were stinging, tears threatening to run down his cheeks.

Without warning, without a word, Dean grabbed Cas from his jumper, swung to have him against the door and then kissed him.

The kiss itself wasn’t gentle, it was rough and urgent but Castiel didn’t seem to care because his hands ran up to Dean’s neck to pull him closer.

Cas’ lips were soft and warm against his and they kissed for what seemed an eternity, their tongues tasting each other’s mouth. The more the kiss went on, the more Dean found it hard to part, although every once in a while he was stopping to look at the man in front of him. It was like he wanted to make sure that what was happening was real and that he wasn’t dreaming the whole thing. But everytime he stopped, Cas was still there, looking back. He was real.

Dean locked lips with him again and again; he poured in that kiss all the wanting he felt for Castiel, all the nights he spent laying on his bed daring to dream about this moment, all the anger he felt knowing that April got there first. He wanted him. He wanted him with every inch of his body.

Cas’ fingers pulled up the hem of Dean’s shirt, taking it off. In return, Dean stripped Castiel off his red hoodie and the shirt underneath. Both of them saw each other’s bodies before but not like this, never like this. Dean’s trousers felt tighter, he looked down and saw that Cas was hard, too.

Huge fucking turn on.

When he looked up, Cas had a sad look on his face; he lifted his hands and touched Dean’s chest, all five fingers sliding on his muscles.

“What?” Dean asked, scared he was having second thoughts about the whole thing.

Cas kept looking at his body, following the line of his collar bone and down to his abs.

“I remember seeing your body, down in hell.”

Dean gasped; a familiar pain pulsed in his chest as unwanted memories came to his mind.

“I remember the blood running on your skin, the wounds, what they did to you.”

The memories were way too vivid for Dean to stop them, but he looked at Cas’ fingers running up and down his bare chest and he imagined the moment he saved him. He imagined how he healed his wounds, how he put him back together.

He was torn and he made him whole again.

“I am so glad that I saved this – said Cas, still looking at his body. – I am so glad I saved you. It was always you.”

That said, he started kissing Dean on his neck and collarbone, his lips following an invisible trail down his chest and abs. Dean couldn’t almost stand it, it was too much. The feeling of Castiel’s lips and fingertips all over his body… Having him on his knees right in front of him… Everything was too fucking much and he felt like he could explode any minute now.

Then Cas undid his belt and the zipper of his jeans.

“Cas… wait…” he said, looking down.

But when Cas looked back his eyes were filled with that pure and innocent confusion which was so distinctive of him.

“Why? – he asked. – I don’t want to wait anymore.”

When Dean didn’t reply he kept undoing his jeans, which fell down on the floor with a soft thud. Preparing for what was coming, Dean leaned on the door, his palms wide open against the dark, hard wood. He was scared his legs would give in when Cas’ pulled down the tight fabric of his boxers, exposing him.

When Cas took him in his mouth, Dean closed his eyes, letting out a deep groan. If Cas’ lips felt soft and delicate when he kissed them, nothing could prepare him for how they would feel while they were sucking him.

Dean clenched his jaw, his right hand closed in a fist and he heard his knuckles snap against the door. Yeah, thank god for the door or he would already be on the floor.

He wanted to beg him to stop, beg him to go on, he didn’t know for sure. His body and mind were sending him some fucked up mixed signals that he didn’t know how to untangle. So, in the end, he just decided to let it go and ignore all of them.

His hand moved down, rested for a moment on Cas’ shoulder and then slide to grab his hair. He dared to look down and he had to restrain himself from coming there and then. Seeing Cas looking at him while giving him head was the most sensual thing ever. Finally, he had to look away, because looking at him just made him want to grab his hair harder and fuck into his mouth and he knew he was not ready for that much.

He tilted his head back, fully enjoying the feeling. It was wet and hot and... _fuck!_ What was he doing with his damn tongue? How did he know what to do? How could it be that this was his first time and he knew what to do to drive him crazy?

The obtrusive thought that probably April did it to him the night before came to the surface but Dean pushed it away in the dark, because that night Castiel was his, not April’s.

As Cas kept moving his mouth up and down his erection, Dean realized he was close to coming and he didn’t want to waste it that way.

“Stop... wait...” he stuttered.

Cas stopped and looked at him. He still had trousers on; why did he still have trousers on?

“I want to see you” he said, helping him up.

Dean undressed him slowly, enjoying the discovery of Cas’ body. He touched the muscles of his arms, the smooth skin of his chest, his sculpted abdomen…

In the middle of it he suddenly remembered that the body he was touching wasn’t exactly Cas’. It was only a vessel, it was James Novak’s body.

_Fuck it!_ – he thought. It was Cas to him.

Whatever form he could’ve taken back then, wouldn’t have changed a damn thing. It wouldn’t have changed his feelings for him. As he was kicking the thought of the vessel out of his head, he also kicked his own trousers and boxers away.

With Cas completely naked in front of him, he had to fight the urge to take him there against the door; what stopped him was the thought that everything was new for Cas and he didn’t want to scare him rushing things.

“I don’t know what I am supposed to do” muttered Cas, when Dean leaned to kiss him again.

“It’s okay – he reassured him. – We’re going to take it slow.”

Cas nodded and Dean drew him forward to kiss him again.

“I’ll make it good for you” he whispered softly on his lips.

With Dean’s promise lingering between their bodies, they slowly moved towards the bed. The covers were still messy from the moment Dean jumped out of bed, earlier on.

With Cas under him, Dean took his time to worship every inch of his body with the attention it deserved, kissing him, tasting his skin, trying to memorize every single dip and curve. Gently, he nipped his shoulder and the hushed gasp he heard in return aroused him even more.

He decided to dare a bit more; he smoothed his hands over Cas’ chest, down to his abs and lowered it to cup his erection. The reaction was immediate and a huge turn on for Dean; Cas moaned, his body shivering. Dean got back on top of him to push his tongue into Cas’ warm mouth and he started moving his hand up and down slowly.

“Does this feel good?” he asked, breaking the kiss for a moment.

Cas shivered again. “Yes… - he stuttered. - Yes, it does.”

It was amazing to see him like that, victim of these feelings he probably thought he would never understand, let alone experience.

Cas started moving along the rhythm of his strokes as Dean watched him in awe, touching himself too. The memory of Cas’ lips was still lingering on the sensitive skin he was stroking and it wasn’t as enjoyable as that but what he was looking wasn’t too bad either. Cas was the most handsome being – angel or not – so lost in pleasure, even better, so lost in the pleasure Dean was giving him.

When Cas opened his eyes and his gaze pierced right through him, Dean had to restrain himself from coming again.

“I want…” he gasped.

“What? What is it that you want?”

Cas lifted his back to meet Dean halfway.

“All of this – he said. – All of you” and then he brushed his lips on Dean’s.

Dean was so ready for him, he wanted all of that too; however, for some reason he suddenly felt very protective.

“You know, Cas… We can do this all night – he said while he kept on stroking his erection. – We don’t need to… go on… Because maybe it will be too much, maybe you can’t take it, maybe…”

“Stop!” the angel grunted. “Stop it. I... I want it. I am not scared of this.”

Castiel lightly caressed Dean’s cheek and smiled faintly, looking at him with soft eyes.

“I am not scared, I can feel that this is meant to be. _We_ are meant to be. And you shouldn’t be scared as well.”

It felt like Dean’s heart broke into a million pieces and melted at the same time. How much he wanted the man in front of him, how much he longed for him! Maybe Cas was right, after all, maybe they really belonged together.

“Cas…” Dean called against his lips and something shifted in him when he heard a little gasp in return.

“Dean…”

_Fuck_.

His damn voice.

“You really want me?” he asked in a whisper.

Cas’ reply was immediate and resolute.

“I do.”

That was just fucking enough.

Dean’s hand wrapped Cas’ face and he leaned on to kiss him one more time, harder than ever he ever did with any human being. Except, that wasn’t just any human being: that was Cas.

_His_ Cas.

He pushed him back on the bed where more kissing and more touching followed. There was too much to touch and kiss: he wanted all of him.

Dean shifted behind Cas; laying on his left side, he wrapped the man’s chest with his arm, to keep him as close as possible to his body. Cas grabbed his hand, entwining their fingers together and slightly turned back to glance at him. He didn’t say anything but there was no need for that, Dean could read all he needed in his eyes, as they both always did.

They fed from stares and quick glances at each other. They lived through small demonstrations and big gestures. The silence between them never felt misplaced, not until that night. That night was the time they let all those buried words out and killed all the rest.

He took his time making sure Cas was ready for him. His fingers were exploring Cas’ most sensitive spots and everytime he would gasp or moan, Dean felt a shiver of pleasure going through his body, just by thinking he was the one provoking those reactions.

When he couldn’t wait anymore, he held Cas tighter, then he pushed himself into him, slowly but steadily.

By the time he was fully inside him, Cas was moaning, squeezing hard Dean’s arm wrapped around him.

“You okay?” panted Dean.

“I’m okay” Cas breathed out. “I’m okay. Just hold me.”

Dean obliged, holding him tight; he kissed the back of his neck and shoulders while he started moving slowly, giving Cas the time to adjust to the feeling. He wanted to take care of him, he wanted to show him how beautiful that could be, so he had to start it nice and slow.

He put his right hand on Cas’ hip and slid in and out, his hips rocking back and forth.

Cas was tight and Dean couldn’t help but feeling some sort of pride in his chest, knowing he was his first.

_Mine_ – he thought, feeling absolutely shameless.

“I am” panted Cas.

Fuck, did he say that out loud?

As the rhythm grew more frenetic, he could feel Cas coming into him, pushing back to welcome the thrusts. He was glad that, as harsh as the first time could be, he was getting used to it and even enjoying it.

Cas moans were the biggest compliment and Dean groaned as he pulled out and in again. It felt like their bodies were made for each other, like they belong together.

Deep inside him, Dean knew that he could not belong to anybody else, nobody but Cas. At the same time, he couldn’t bear the thought that the man he was now making love to could do what they were just doing with somebody else. No, he might’ve gone mad if that would ever happen.

“Dean...” begged Cas, his voice was broken by pleasure.

“I know” Dean groaned and slid the hand which was on Cas’ hip to wrap his erection. Moving his hand up and down, he rocked his hips to push himself harder and deeper into Cas.

“Come for me” he whispered softly.

When Cas started to shiver, calling his name over and over like it was a prayer, Dean felt he was close to the edge, too. He kept on pumping and touching Cas until his body stiffen and his head tilted back with one last moan.

Dean came hard, still buried deep into Cas’ body. He let the orgasm fully ride him, unable to speak, unable to breath, unable to let go of Cas. He couldn’t remember the last time he came this hard, or maybe it never happened like that.

When he finally could breathe, he slowly pulled out and crawled on top of Cas, who was sweaty and still panting. They both sucked in deep, shaky breaths until their bodies calmed down.

“You okay?” Dean asked. 

Cas smiled, the kind of smile which could lighten up a bad day.

“I think I’ve never been so _okay_ in my life.”

Dean laughed and rested his head on his chest; Cas’ arms were quick in wrapping his body in a loose hug.

In that position, Dean could hear Cas’ heartbeat and found himself praying that he could stay there, hearing it for the rest of his life.

“I feel so... naked” said Cas few minutes later, looking at the ceiling.

“That’s because you are?” cackled Dean.

“No, not like that. Like... I don’t know...”

The uncertainty in Cas’ voice made Dean panic and he moved to sit up. What if they messed it all up by sleeping together?

“You regretting this?” he asked.

There was a soft noise when Cas sat up as well on his right. They looked at each other for a moment, then Cas’ eyes wandered down on Dean’s left deltoid and his lips curved. He lifted his right hand and placed it on the handprint burned on his arm. A shiver ran through Dean’s body when Cas’ fingers moved to match the handprint perfectly. It felt so right for his hand to be there, like a piece of a puzzle falling in his place.

“You don’t remember, do you?”

Dean knew he was talking about the moment he saved him from Hell. He shook his head.

“I do. I will never forget it” confessed Cas. His thumb was now rubbing the scarred skin around it.

“I think... – he started, looking at Dean again. – I think it’s the best thing I’ve done as an angel. Saving you.”

With relief filling his chest, Dean watched as Cas removed his hand and then gently kissed the handprint.

“I don’t regret anything that happened tonight” Cas confessed with the softest look in his eyes. “Not even a second of it.”

Then something else darkened the moment.

“What about when you will get your grace back?” asked Dean “Will you regret this, then?”

“I won’t.”

“But you said it yourself: as an angel you didn't fully understand human feelings, so then it will be like this never happened.”

“I won’t forget it, Dean.”

“Yeah but you won’t feel it anymore!” he insisted.

He didn’t know why he was insisting in ruining that moment, he should’ve just let it go for now and enjoy what he had. However, the thought that what they just built might go down as soon as Cas would get his grace back, terrorized him.

Also, he was Dean fucking Winchester and his life couldn’t exactly be associated with happiness, so of course he was adamant to accept all that sudden joy.

“And I will regret this – Dean fessed up. – I know I will regret starting this tonight if you won’t feel it anymore. I will have to stand there every day, looking at you and knowing this happened and that it’s gone.”

“This is all nonsense, I will never get my grace back because it’s lost, Metatron took it and I’m not getting it back.”

As he said that, Dean could see how much the thought pained him.

“But if you could…”

Cas rolled his eyes and then looked at him, it was quite evident he was annoyed by the conversation.

“Why are you doing this, Dean? Why are you darkening this moment?”

“Because, Cas…”

He stopped to look him right in the eyes. It was hard to let it all out when he used to put so much effort in hiding the truth, it was hard to look at Castiel and admit he had been pretending. However, if something good happened that night was that he finally dropped the mask and that whole masquerade was over. That was the time for honesty, for the truth, that was the time for admitting it to himself too.

“Because I think I am in love with you.”

It came out as a whisper, like something very intimate that could only belong to them and to the intimacy they just shared in that room.

Dean felt tears pricking his eyes, scared of what’s coming next but then Cas looked at him with his bright blue eyes and he smiled.

“I know. I felt it – he let out the softest laugh before going on. – I love you too, you already know.” 

They looked at each other for what seemed an eternity but Dean could’ve really stayed there until the end of times because he was looking at the man he loved and he loved him back. It was the most heartwarming feeling, it was peace, it was home. It was absolutely everything.

Cas stood straighter and leaned in to kiss him; Dean pulled him closer in his arms.

Then Cas pulled back and as he held Dean’s face in his hands, he whispered on his lips.

“I love you too, Dean Winchester and I swear, if I had to choose between loving you and get my grace back, I would choose you every day of my mortal life.”

Cas tugged Dean into a searing kiss and down they went, falling back on the bed.

The morning after, Dean felt like he was the happiest man on Earth but he also felt like he was walking on eggshells. He left his bed with Castiel still drowsy in it. He kissed him on his lips before leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

While he was in the shower, he made peace with the fact that eventually Sam and Kevin would find out and he was mentally preparing to that conversation. However, he first had to solve the Cas-stays-in-the-bunker situation with Ezekiel before thinking about that.

“Morning!” he said walking in the kitchen.

There was only Sam sitting at the table, drinking coffee and reading some old book.

“Morning” he replied, then squinted at him. “Are you in a good mood or something?”

“Or something” replied Dean, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “Where is Kevin?”

“I don’t know… Somewhere…”

“Well, that’s specific.”

In that moment Cas showed up, wearing the same clothes he was wearing last night.

“Good morning!”

They looked at each other and for a moment Dean panicked that what they did last night was showing crystal clear on their faces.

“You are in a good mood too, I can see” Sam commented, looking amused. “Something I should know?”

Dean looked at Cas: he didn’t look scared, on the contrary he seemed pretty relaxed about what happened and didn’t seem anxious about telling Sam. That gave him the strength he needed to face that conversation once and for all.

“Well, you see Sam…”

But Dean was interrupted by a voice in the hallway.

“GUYS!”

Kevin ran into the kitchen like somebody was chasing him, he was panting and he had papers in both his hands.

“Guys, I’ve figured it out!”

Sam stood up. “What? What did you figure out?”

“Everything! – he shouted. – How to reopen Heaven, how to get all the angels back, everything!”

He started laying all the papers on the kitchen table while talking frantically.

“I was studying my notes on the angel tablet and I finally managed to translate some part I could not understand before. The point is: we can do it!”

Sam put a hand on Kevin shoulder. “Alright, calm down. Just guide us through the steps.”

“We simply have to reverse the spell Metatron used, I have guidelines here and at the end of this Castiel will get his grace back and the gates of Heaven will be open again.”

It felt like somebody smacked Dean on the head with a baseball bat. All the happiness he was feeling just a minute ago disappeared into thin air when Kevin pronounced those last words.

He acknowledged Sam and Kevin still talking but he could not hear a thing. He looked up and met Cas’ eyes, fixed right on him.

He could not believe it. He couldn’t believe his happiness was so short-lived.

“Can another angel do it?” asked Castiel suddenly, interrupting whatever conversation was going on between Sam and Kevin.

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, can another angel do it instead of me?”

Both Sam and Kevin seemed confused.

“Well, no – said Kevin. – Metatron used your grace to do it, so it has to be you.”

The room fell silent while both Dean and Cas took the blow.

“Guys, what’s going on? This is what we wanted right?” Kevin asked.

“It’s... uhm... difficult now” mumbled Cas.

Sam scoffed.

“What does that even mean? This is what we’ve been working for weeks, this is how we will save all the angels and all the humans Bartholomew is sacrificing for his cause. This is how we stop Metatron, this is where it ends. What could possibly be stopping you now?”

Dean hated Sam in that moment: he hated all the words he was pronouncing. He hated himself even more because he knew it was all true and with just one look at Cas’ face he was sure he knew it, too.

Last night seemed so not important in that moment, even if it was still everything for him. However, what was the weight of one night compared to the many people who were dying due to Metatron’s actions?

Castiel might had no grace in that moment but he was an angel, he knew the difference between right and wrong and he also knew what he had to do to make all those wrongs right again.

When Cas lifted his eyes to look at Dean, he could read it all over his face: he couldn’t keep his promise. And yes, he was heartbroken, he could see that too, but it didn’t matter. Their lives were too tied up to the destiny of humanity to be lived happily. They were cursed, damned to a life of sacrifices and that was just another one.

Dean looked at Cas, desperate but unable to let go; all he wanted to scream was “please don’t do it, please don’t leave me, please be as you are forever” but he stood there, silent. When Cas lowered his eyes he knew he made his choice.

The pain in his chest was so intense he found it hard to breathe, so he stood up and left the kitchen, leaving behind the only happiness he had known, too.


End file.
